just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
