I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
