All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
