I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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