no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
