Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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