you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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