i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
