My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I wish i was in the wii world.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
