I can text with my tongue
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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