dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
