All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
