Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I'm always down for nudity.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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