I don't usually arrange sex via text message
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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