i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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