At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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