either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
