Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
