She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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