I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
