I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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