This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Semen is not good for contacts.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
