Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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