i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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