He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
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Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
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You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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