I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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