someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I don't want my vagina anymore.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
