Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
