When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
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