i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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