So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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