Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
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