This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
