im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
