Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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