Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
