I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
