Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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