Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize
