Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
