Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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