I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
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