Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
