Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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