You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
