Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
