we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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