so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Randomize
