Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
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