I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
