Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
